Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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