we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
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no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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