Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
