I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
