Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
