yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
