nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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