You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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