I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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