I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
