You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
