Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
