Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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