theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
