I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was confusing and full of hummus
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
