If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
