i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
