Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The air was thick with penises
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
