mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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