piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
