My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
