I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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