I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
