i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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