My room smells like vodka and shame
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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