Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
