Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
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I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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