apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
