So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
