Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
