youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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