You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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