Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
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And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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