I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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