I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
