1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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