So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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