Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
