He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
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He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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