Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
