So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
