I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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