i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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