We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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