respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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