I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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