last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
