did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
