i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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