Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
