Even the bartender felt bad for me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
