apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Boobs are out for the taking
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
