My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
