I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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